minima whatever

Living the bohèmian cliché. London, Berlin. Content warnings: art, capitalism, feminism, (kinky) sex, abuse, misogyny, drawing.

Month: December, 2015

talking to

The person I imagine myself writing to is a man, and trying to remember a woman I could even imagine in that place has not been fruitful so far. I also feel like it is at least possible to tell my father everything – he might not get it, he may not agree, but at least he would be able to listen, to take it in, consider it. Talking to my mother on the other hand more often than not feels constricting. Like every word has to be weighed, the edges to be considered carefully, most of what I am saying is likely to get lost, and at least some of the rest turned into a weapon against me. What I say to her will never be just ok. Or so it seems to me right now.

2015-09-16 19.21.38

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menstruation culture

Considering again how many people are menstruating at any given moment it is astonishing how little it is reflected in design, architecture, culture. Apart from blue-blooded advertising and cheap jokes menstruation does not seem to exist.

Thinking about this I am gripped by a longing for the menstruation-huts I vaguely remember reading about in some secondhand anthropology a long time ago. Places where I would not have to hide and pretend this part of my life does not exist or matter (without the whole being cast out whether you want it or not-thing that seems to often go with them).

How surprising it was to read Hillesum write about it so directly in the 1940ies already, even in a journal, even if her experience is very different from mine. The sheer relief of Roche exploding the experience in Feuchtgebiete.

I wonder about the famous menstruation anecdotes of history that we have lost. I am not aware of even one. They must have happened.

2015-09-23 08.12.48

 

blood management

I have never in my life noticed a bloodstain on any seat on public transport.  Considering how many people bleed from their vaginas every single day, I find that quite astounding.

2015-09-19 14.37.07

boldness in drawing

I am still thinking about how to make my drawing more decisive, or brave (as opposed to ‘timid’, which is how mine have been looking to me lately). But then I started wondering if there is any artist whose drawings I like and would call ‘bold,’ and at first I thought “no, they are all rather subtle.” But of course that is no contradiction. So, ‘decisive’ draughtspeople that come to my mind: Van Gogh in his use of ink and his graphic shorthands; Rembrandt in his quick brush strokes; Schiele in his direct lines. And already my memory stops volunteering. Picasso of course, but then I don’t like him. Matisse. Cezanne not really. Kollwitz, yes, in a slightly indirect way.

What does ‘decisive’ mean, then? How can I learn it, or emphasize it? Because I know I have done it before. Ink, no redrawing, think before you draw. That last bit is probably the most important. But the opposite works as well – draw without thinking (much).

Look more at Japanese and Chinese ink paintings.

2015-09-23 08.06.18

 

the art of layouting private journals

I have perfected the layout of my handwritten journaling. How to write the headings, dates, how to mark emphasis in the text. Every new journal gets its proper margins determined with help from the canons of page construction. At some point I have picked up how to write in straight lines on blank paper without needing any guides any more. Where the page numbers go.

Funny how much effort I put into something that will likely never entertain anyone but me (even if I wish it did). I would so love to see the journals of other people who obsess about these things. Funny also how much satisfaction I derive from this. Such a useless obsession. I may die poor, but my journals will be exquisite to behold.

2015-09-23 08.10.00

walking around shoreditch

So much boring art. Sometimes I feel like I don’t dislike these hipsters, the elite, and elite hipsters simply because they make this city uninhabitable for me; if they would at least do it in style!

2015-09-26 11.00.57

naughty reactionaries

I am tired of men thinking that drawing or painting naked women in a ‘peeping’ manner is somehow radical, new, or risky. To the point of being honestly surprised about each and every apparently reasonably intelligent man I witness saying or writing this. And I have witnessed  more than one. (Cases in point: Every painting of ‘Bathseba bathing’ ever.)

Hint: Just because the ideas of voyeurism and sexual harassment turn you on and feel somehow ‘naughty’ to you, transforming them into art is not automatically an interesting thing. Turning your gaze around on your own peeping self might be, if you’re lucky and do it right.

2015-09-22 18.15.28

lucian freud’s virility

How people revel in Freud’s virility (without using that word), in a power couched completely in ‘manly’/masculine terms. The disregard for those who lived with him. How people write about those ‘greats’ of postwar British painting, Bacon, Kitaj, Kossoff, Auerbach et al. No woman in sight, nor weakness or vulnerability really. All power, strength, heroism. I find it obscene.

I do like his paintings. I would also like it it if more people openly said “… he seems to have been quite a jerk though.”

2015-09-25 18.38.13

important painter’s former assistant

A rather pitiful artist’s talk. Maybe because I don’t like his paintings I have the impression his former role is the only reason anyone pays him any mind. His paintings seem neither good, nor surprising or fresh to me. Also not necessarily bad – one for the art societies. Not one that needs to be talked about.

Funny how quickly I get so judgemental. The word I actually had in mind was ‘pathetic.’ Something about a man that age being paid a lot of attention to while mumbling over and over again how he is “trying to find his own language,” seems to be repulsive to me. I wonder why the scorn? Hitting too close to home one way or another? At least that is what your average armchair-Jungian would say. Or bitterness and envy about people being so incredibly lucky and not taking it in stride, not owning it?

2015-09-29 18.17.07

darkness

I wonder if any future critics will be confused because for me dark does not equal unhappy, bad or dangerous, and black not bleak. These associations seem so male and white, so fragile, almost insultingly stupid. I like the dark.

2015-10-02 07.49.15